Coffee.
That’s what we need more of, around here.
Yesterday, for example, I missed my usual half-octane blend of regular and decaf, going for the decaf-only because it was time for my once-every-six-months visit to the doctor for the blood pressure and cholesterol checks. Hence, no coffee…because with me, a cup of serious caffeine is good for 10-15 more points on the high number. I tend to add 10 points as a “white coat” reaction, anyway.
If the reference in the Monday column to Columbus Day made no sense, this morning I’d have to agree with you. Doesn’t to me, either. At least today is doesn’t.
Which explains why Mr. Timewarp somehow got into his head that Veterans Day was Columbus Day. “No, you idiot,” wrote one reader directly “Ask Panama what day it is.” Monday? I shot back.
Seriously, I would have asked the retired ex-SF/Ranger brother-in-law, but Panama was busily cleaning his favorite little .380 pistol at the time and Pappy didn’t raise no fool. Several readers hinted at the error and I was slowly catching on. I don’t take chances….
Going forward, we’re just going to have to agree here: Every-so-often I will display signs of aging. Or, I am so helplessly addicted to coffee that I can’t function without it. I should put a little flag in the heading of each column that says something like “ Coffee: ON” or “ Coffee: OFF.” We might even find a correlation with spelling errors.
Where were we now? Oh yes….
So I’m there at the doc’s place. The blood pressure was fine… although the doc is still trying to sell me on preventative medicine.
“You know, we need to talk again about you having a colonoscopy, since you’re almost 66 now….”
At this point I gave him my best upper-management Look of Death for Saying the Wrong Thing. I’m good at it.
He looked worried, furrowing his brow as he weighed whether to press the point….and then brightened and said “Well, OK, we talked about THAT then….” Smart man.
In a previous session I’d explained to him (in no expletives deleted terms) that I appreciate that there is a trade-off between a colonoscopy and risk of having some dreaded disease, or other. But I also made it clear that when someone sticks various instruments and implements up in “No thank you” areas, and wants me to shoulder all the liability if anything goes wrong, no, that is not exactly “risk sharing.” Show me some quid pro quo, bro.
Near as I could read the proposed 13-page waiver of liability fine print, if something goes wrong (like an intestinal wall is broken) that could lead (worst case) to death. I suppose that at least would not be a tax event from my standpoint, but still….
Let me think about this: My side of the equation is, let me see: Money and death.
The doctor’s side of the equation? If something we4nt wrong, they might have to do emergency surgery and that could delay the next appointment on the health care delivery conveyor belt, or in extreme cases, delay a tee time.
The good news is that there was an article in the October (yeah, the month when Columbus Day was) issue of MIT Technology Review that described how a spoonful of special yogurt and a urine sample might very quickly replace the colonoscopy.
I’m sending my doctor a copy of the article and mention that “when the test yogurt is available in strawberry flavor I’ll be taking that replacement test. Provided the waiver of liability is less than two pages. I might consider other flavors, too, like blueberry…”
Alternatively I should really ask if a self-inspection is out of the question since several readers have suggested that my head is already conveniently located in the required inspection position.
The “Offset of Reality” Problem
Since this is a pseudo-holiday, we can focus on the important items next. Not that personal health isn’t, but to my way of thinking WoWW (World of Woo-Woo) reports are much more fun to study than, oh, say colonoscopies. One is shit weird while the other is just weird shit, if that doesn’t ruin your PopTart.
Some readers think that the report from James in yesterday’s column gives away the real source of Woo-Woo reports (like jottles and such) as nothing more than perception breaks on the part of the people involved… Reader Bobbi sent this….
Hi George,
As much as I’d like to blame the Hadron collider, I think reader James is probably correct. It’s probably what makes the difference between an autistic person and a normal person. Maybe Woowoo is a glitch in that system.
This morning I had a brief one. I had a rack of 40 test tubes, each with its own screw-cap lid securely fastened. One tube in the first row had its lid missing.