Coping: Dealing With Black Friday and NBoD MAGIC

Black Friday or January?

That is the main driver to get out of bed at 4 AM on a holiday morning and take up the keyboard.

Which date-range offers better deals?

Today is when we can see the ultimate in monetization of a holiday…

A quick Google search reveals an almost unlimited number of websites that have capitalized on the term “black Friday.”  A sample Google search is here.

The way this works is very simple.

1.  You get as domain name which has the term blackfriday buried in it somewhere.

2.  You sign up for as many affiliate marketing programs as you can.

3.  You write enough 500-word articles to optimize the hell out of things so you get some web traffic.

4.  Then you load your site up with Amazon and whoever else you’ve signed up with.

When people come to your site today…and click on a link…it sets a cookie which means any sales that happen are credited to your account.

And (so goes the dream) you become an internet gazillionaire.

To be sure, a few sites will do pretty well…but the revenue stream gets pretty close to dead the rest of the year.  I, for one, hate lumpy revenue models because they are harder to budget around.

As to our actual spending plans?

Easy-peasy:  We will be sending out checks this year (from the National Bank of Dad).

Each will be accompanied by a monograph on how Black Friday is a retailer scam to get people to buy things that are fairly useless.

That report will explain that most things will be found on sale in January or February and will extoll the virtues of refurbished items.

Sure, it would be fun to have a fiber internet link, a 32 GB 8-core processors at 4.4 GHZ and terabyte graphics drivers and 73-inch monitors.

But to play CandyCrush?  Are you serious?

Still, we understand how people work, so here’s our own contribute to BFAOD (Black Friday Ad Overdose):

Usually, around the Thanksgiving table (which we are foregoing for a week or two) there is much discussion about how my “check and think about it” approach shows what a cold-hearted person I really am.

After I point out this is exactly the kind of thing that pays the most in the business world, I report that in going on 409-years of check-writing, I have never had one returned as defective and everyone is pleased to get them.

Here is this year’s Disbursement Letter:

Dear National Bank of Dad  (NBoD) Customer:

Seasonal Adjustments!  The National Bank of Dad wishes to inform you as follows:   

This years gift disbursement is adjusted for the cost of living adjustment to our Social Security income.  Since there has been no increase, there is no increase in disbursement planned for Gifting Season 2015.

NBoD Customers may refer to the Social Security website here for current gifting parameters.

Our anticipation is that the increase – if any – for the 2016 season, will be held to a fraction of one percent.  The good news about this is you are able to calculate your NBoD Gift disbursement almost a year in advance.

NBoD customers are alerted to a forthcoming internal accounting change that will take place in 2016.

Effective July 1, 2016, the National Bank of Dad will be implementing a significant change in accounting policies.

Where previously we had used Current Adjusted Gross Income (CAGI) as our calculation basis for gifting, in 2016 we will be transition to the Modified Adjusted Gross Income Crap (MAGIC).

The key difference between these two accounting systems is very simple. Previously-used  AGI-based accounting has reflected income on current-year operations.

MAGIC-based accounting reflects current year income plus an increasing allowance for the accelerated depreciation of NBoD Trustee’s bodies:  This includes changes in eyesight, memory, muscle tone, stamina, and so forth.

Our new MAGIC accounting is also adjusted for your location on Gifting Days.  Checks and EFTs disbursed  to zip codes outside of Anderson County Texas, will be levied a 75% handling charge.  NBoD customers may therefore find it advantageous to visit NBoD headquarters and for this purposed we have a new Airfare Matching Program.  Inquire of the Chief Teller for details. A meal will be provided.

Your NBoD Trustees have implemented numerous cost-savings programs this year to maximize your benefit.  For example:  We are no longer providing accidental birth insurance to Trustees.  We have also ended all political contributions.

Unfortunately, we anticipate that new banking regulations will be invented by the Obama administration in the coming year that will require equal disbursement levels for Middle East refugees and other illegal aliens.

Therefore, we are continuing last year’s special offer of a $200 rebate to all NBoD customers and offspring who change to Black, Hispanic, or Asian surnames.  According to our records, special consideration for Scottish, Danish, Germanic, and Cherokee (1/8) refugees has expired. 

We continue to support name-changing as a revenue and benefit optimizing tool.  The $200 rebate per name-change is available only to families of participating customers.  Changed names may be used to advantage but generally work best 1,000-miles, or more, north of the former Mexico border.

Whatever.

George Ure Jackson Xi Hernandez , Chief Operating Officer.

Elaine Lightfoot Bates- Ure Washington Perez , Chief Teller

Member:  Federal Dad Insurance Corp., Cash Flow Matters

Home, Sick

(Back at the Ranch) For those interested in our gallivanting around the past two weeks: 

We rolled in about  4:45 last night.  Just in time to find out that Elaine’s brother (Panama) had been shipped up to the hospital in Tyler, TX because of a suspected heart issue.

We respectfully request your prayers for his speedy recovery as surgery is planned this morning.  Angio and stent if I’m following; not his first rodeo on this stuff.  I’m not sure if website content is government by HIPAA regs, so forget I said anything.

Bates is in remarkably good spirits about it and quipped that it may seem a bit of an extreme method to get out of eating my Thanksgiving Turkey.  Hmmm…

However, I informed him that since we didn’t do any grocery shopping on the way home, we can push back the turkey for a few days to a week.

For readers (and especially subscribers), yes, this is another example of what we call “the Bates Luck” around here.

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Zeus The Cat has also taken ill with a slight cough and he’s being quite lethargic.  So it will be off to the vet Friday for him.

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Elaine reported that she’s feeling a bit better this morning, but I’m a little worse for the wear, so with apologies, it will be back to bed as soon as the column is posted.

“Feed a cold and you’ll soon be starving a fever…” seems like good advice to follow.  The turkey will wait…

More tomorrow…

P.S. Liquor Dispensaries are closed in Texas today.  Tomorrow’s column might actually make sense.

Write when you break-even,

George  George@ure.net