What we really need a faster way to make a million bucks…”

Since I take a generous one morning off each week to sleep in, we were doing what married couples do now and then; reviewing where we are and where we’re going.

The answer is probably in MARKETING something. Something which is already being marketed very successfully…”

I promised to research what the biggest and most pervasive marketing campaigns were – with an eye toward piggy-backing on something that was already on the tips of everyone’s tongue.

“Global Warming! What a fool I’ve been!”

I leapt out of bed, a process that takes about 15-minutes, and hit the computer.

Google search “global warming.”

Holy smokes! 83.1-million hits. Wowzers!

Hmmm… I wonder if such a scheme has occurred to anyone else? Better search “global warming diet” then.

NO! No! No! Someone has beaten us to it!

www.globalwarmingdiet.org features such topics as “How about a Cool Cuisine?” and other ideas, some of which I expect would get around to pinching off cow-farts.


Well, then, how about a Climate Change Diet, then?

Nope. Already the idea had surfaced earlier this year on a Huffington Post Brent Preston blog “The Climate Change Diet: Three Things You Can Do Right Now to Help the Planet.”

By now, loaded with coffee and disappointment, I returned to explain to the Missus that this just wasn’t my day.

Think of another one, dear. You are SO creative…”

Well, she got that right.

So I got to work on different ways I could cobble up an easy-to-craft diet book. Since I started reading (and following) The Oatmeal Diet, surely it only takes one concept and one ingredient….IF the USP is Good Enough.

In Marketing circles, that’s the “unique selling proposition” and it’s the “hook” that separates your diet concept from everything else out there.

Timing Matters, too.

While the Global Warming Diet sounds very topical (and should do well in terms of revenue since the Law of Barnum is still in effect), it may not be a good time to come out with The Mayan Calendar Diet.

Another concept past its prime is the Global Coastal Event Diet. But still, there’s hope. Maybe the Planet X/Niburu Diet would sell for a while.

Each of these, however suffers from a demographic limitation. People rotate in – and then OUT – of believing in Planet X. I reckoned we wouldn’t sell as many books and “diet club memberships” as we would if we took up a more general mass thought control program to exploit.

I jotted down several more ideas in the following hour and found The Boss in the kitchen having a latte with some semi-sweet chocolate in it.

“How about this one? “The Don’t Text and Drive Diet?”

“Are you nuts? No, wait, I know the answer to that one.”

“Uh, how about the Make America Great Again Diet? It’s got buzz and momentum…”

Too political…you’ll turn off the Clinton followers, the people who got gypped out of Sanders and the people who already wasted their disposal income on Jill Stein and the Green Party…which we already know means Green as in greenbacks….”

“Maybe we could do something seasonal…you know, like the Santa Claus diet.”

And so in January comes Martin Luther King day and you have a diet for that?”

“I was thinking more like an Easter Diet which would include lots of breads around then because there’s so much talk about “rising” in that period…”

You’ll have to do better than that.

I was being dismissed…gently nudged back to the drawing board.

Several hours elapsed before another final stroke of Genius hit and I found her majesty touching up paint in the guest quarters.

“I’ve got it! The Daylight Savings Diet!”

So you Spring ahead 10 pounds and then Fall back 10? No. But I’ll tell you what: People have been falling for a lot of junk science, junk economics, junk politics, and everyone these days behaves like statistical oxen. So why not make up a report that eating in the daytime is somehow bad? Or, eating while moving more than so-many miles-per-hour does something to your DNA and causes some disease. Not cancer, or anything like that, but gall stones or cavities…”

“So like the Sunshine diet? So people only get to eat on sunny days because only then do you have enough Vitamin D to balance off the crap in food these days?”

You’re getting there. You want something that people will believe in because they don’t know better. And you want a diet that no one would want to really dig into because they would be DENIERS then.”

“So like the Transgender Diet?”

Too small a market. Try again…”

“How about the ‘Gender Identity Security Diet’?”

Probably too hot – you’d get slammed by everyone.”

“Yeah, but isn’t that how effective monetization works? I mean isn’t that the whole point?  Stir ‘em up and empty their pockets?”

Elaine was shaking her head. “Utterly hopeless.

“Wait! What about the Live Vegetables Matter diet?”

She muttered a few more words reminding me of an ILWU hiring hall and that was the last I saw of her till dinnertime.

She only appeared then because I walked the property screaming “DiGiorno is coming! He brings Paisano, too!”

There it was!   Another flash! “What about the Italian Food Diet?”

George, that was done back in 2014.”

She pointed at a little sign I’d put up in the kitchen a while back. “E3” is all it says. But it means “Ecclesiastes 3” which is where the “To everything there is a season” quote lives.

“Verse 3-10, George. ‘I have seen the travail, which God hath given to the sons of men to be exercised in it.’”

I dropped my jaw at the splendor and beauty of it all. She was right, of course!

What I really needed to be writing was the Global Warming EXERCISE book!

I’ll keep today’s column short…because I need to get started before it’s too hot to type.


Or, nearly so.

Write when it warms up…