Coping: The Global Warming Diet

What we really need a faster way to make a million bucks…”

Since I take a generous one morning off each week to sleep in, we were doing what married couples do now and then; reviewing where we are and where we’re going.

The answer is probably in MARKETING something. Something which is already being marketed very successfully…”

I promised to research what the biggest and most pervasive marketing campaigns were – with an eye toward piggy-backing on something that was already on the tips of everyone’s tongue.

“Global Warming! What a fool I’ve been!”

I leapt out of bed, a process that takes about 15-minutes, and hit the computer.

Google search “global warming.”

Holy smokes! 83.1-million hits. Wowzers!

Hmmm… I wonder if such a scheme has occurred to anyone else? Better search “global warming diet” then.

NO! No! No! Someone has beaten us to it! features such topics as “How about a Cool Cuisine?” and other ideas, some of which I expect would get around to pinching off cow-farts.


Well, then, how about a Climate Change Diet, then?

Nope. Already the idea had surfaced earlier this year on a Huffington Post Brent Preston blog “The Climate Change Diet: Three Things You Can Do Right Now to Help the Planet.”

By now, loaded with coffee and disappointment, I returned to explain to the Missus that this just wasn’t my day.

Think of another one, dear. You are SO creative…”

Well, she got that right.

So I got to work on different ways I could cobble up an easy-to-craft diet book. Since I started reading (and following) The Oatmeal Diet, surely it only takes one concept and one ingredient….IF the USP is Good Enough.

In Marketing circles, that’s the “unique selling proposition” and it’s the “hook” that separates your diet concept from everything else out there.

Timing Matters, too.

While the Global Warming Diet sounds very topical (and should do well in terms of revenue since the Law of Barnum is still in effect), it may not be a good time to come out with The Mayan Calendar Diet.

Another concept past its prime is the Global Coastal Event Diet. But still, there’s hope. Maybe the Planet X/Niburu Diet would sell for a while.

Each of these, however suffers from a demographic limitation. People rotate in – and then OUT – of believing in Planet X. I reckoned we wouldn’t sell as many books and “diet club memberships” as we would if we took up a more general mass thought control program to exploit.

I jotted down several more ideas in the following hour and found The Boss in the kitchen having a latte with some semi-sweet chocolate in it.

“How about this one? “The Don’t Text and Drive Diet?”

“Are you nuts? No, wait, I know the answer to that one.”

“Uh, how about the Make America Great Again Diet? It’s got buzz and momentum…”

Too political…you’ll turn off the Clinton followers, the people who got gypped out of Sanders and the people who already wasted their disposal income on Jill Stein and the Green Party…which we already know means Green as in greenbacks….”

“Maybe we could do something seasonal…you know, like the Santa Claus diet.”

And so in January comes Martin Luther King day and you have a diet for that?”

“I was thinking more like an Easter Diet which would include lots of breads around then because there’s so much talk about “rising” in that period…”

You’ll have to do better than that.

I was being dismissed…gently nudged back to the drawing board.

Several hours elapsed before another final stroke of Genius hit and I found her majesty touching up paint in the guest quarters.

“I’ve got it! The Daylight Savings Diet!”

So you Spring ahead 10 pounds and then Fall back 10? No. But I’ll tell you what: People have been falling for a lot of junk science, junk economics, junk politics, and everyone these days behaves like statistical oxen. So why not make up a report that eating in the daytime is somehow bad? Or, eating while moving more than so-many miles-per-hour does something to your DNA and causes some disease. Not cancer, or anything like that, but gall stones or cavities…”

“So like the Sunshine diet? So people only get to eat on sunny days because only then do you have enough Vitamin D to balance off the crap in food these days?”

You’re getting there. You want something that people will believe in because they don’t know better. And you want a diet that no one would want to really dig into because they would be DENIERS then.”

“So like the Transgender Diet?”

Too small a market. Try again…”

“How about the ‘Gender Identity Security Diet’?”

Probably too hot – you’d get slammed by everyone.”

“Yeah, but isn’t that how effective monetization works? I mean isn’t that the whole point?  Stir ‘em up and empty their pockets?”

Elaine was shaking her head. “Utterly hopeless.

“Wait! What about the Live Vegetables Matter diet?”

She muttered a few more words reminding me of an ILWU hiring hall and that was the last I saw of her till dinnertime.

She only appeared then because I walked the property screaming “DiGiorno is coming! He brings Paisano, too!”

There it was!   Another flash! “What about the Italian Food Diet?”

George, that was done back in 2014.”

She pointed at a little sign I’d put up in the kitchen a while back. “E3” is all it says. But it means “Ecclesiastes 3” which is where the “To everything there is a season” quote lives.

“Verse 3-10, George. ‘I have seen the travail, which God hath given to the sons of men to be exercised in it.’”

I dropped my jaw at the splendor and beauty of it all. She was right, of course!

What I really needed to be writing was the Global Warming EXERCISE book!

I’ll keep today’s column short…because I need to get started before it’s too hot to type.


Or, nearly so.

Write when it warms up…

24 thoughts on “Coping: The Global Warming Diet”

  1. Don’t take this the wrong way, but…

    The stumbling block to any exercise book is that you, the author need to look fit. In the event that you don’t I mean.

    Handsome also helps.

    Don’t be hatin’

    • Yeah, I thought about that.
      But again, in marketing terms, I didn’t see a big enough market for the:
      “Fat, ugly, over-60 and out of shape white male diet.”
      Bedsides, that whole group is going broke now.
      Poverty will thin us all out soon enough, anyway…

  2. How about a book called “How to eat to survive the apocalypse. – Looking seventy at fifty in a super fit world”
    Humour, and it goes against all of the trends.

  3. How perfect a diet would this be? Mix the most tasty ingredients that Marxism has to offer with Capitalism, and come up with a “peaceful” diet that would satisfy most every one. Peace on earth to all!

  4. There you go George, “Poverty will thin us out…” a new line of “wraithwear” fashion for the Hospice crowd. Boomer bereavement fashion for both the person of interest and those merely attending.

  5. I have been on a diet prescribed by my Dr. for several years. It is known as the “If It Tastes Good Spit It Out” diet. Doesn’t seem to work very well though…..

  6. Do two books, but tweak each to target different sub-cultures.

    “The End Times Diet” subtitle something about getting fit for battling earthly demons or some such.


    “The Anti-Fascist Diet” subtitle something about getting fit for street fighting.

  7. Find out what Dr. Carson eats, then write a book called “The Brain Surgeon’s Diet” with his picture on it.

  8. “The Who Cares Diet”
    “It Doesn’t Matter Diet”
    “Ecstasy and Agony Diet”
    “My Head Hurts Diet”
    “International Guide to Fast Food”
    “Living in the Fast Lane”
    “Gorge With George”
    “The Diet Wagon: How to Stay On”
    “My Head Still Hurts Diet”

  9. How about the Venezuelan diet, with tasty recipes on how to prepare pets for the meat platter, with an appendix of dumpster diving, something 28% of the folks down there can tell you about.

  10. And here you have your calling.
    An article on how to hire/maintain generation snowflake.

    A better option is, drum roll please.

    Camp Snowflake where the overly sensitive are desensitized to everyday outrages such as nowhere to park at the mall. You can elocute all the sarcasm, big booty, stfu do your job, and what a rack neolithic barbs as you can muster. In a bizarre undoing of Marine Corps logic, torment them till they STOP crying.

    1) For you, money.
    2) For business, employees worth paying.
    3) For attendees, peace of mind that while things go wrong, the world does not end.


  11. The only diet I’ve seen really work is the ‘Ham Radio Contester’ diet. 24 hours of cigarettes and diet Pepsi while logging 1200 CW contacts for Field Day.

  12. Watch out making up diets, George or you’ll make that “fake news” list for “peddling fiction”.

  13. I had to chortle remembering Senator Gary Hart’s famous Rice Diet eg:”Eat Rice, Lose Everything”

  14. How about the “Living in my parents basement” diet. How to eat your parents food without leaving too big a dent.

  15. Story of my life. I thought about a baby app for phones for little girls. Like the old electronic Japan toy but better. Nope lots of them. One even would give you the baby app for free and a limited supply of food. Then if you didn’t buy food the baby would die. Holy frickin EVIL! So then I thought Beavers! Make a beaver app and make dams. Nope done. It’s tough out there.

  16. There is this remarkable stuff called food.

    When you eat food, you will remain healthy.

    Drink beer too. All of the ingredients in beer provide all of the nutrients you need.

    Water is OK, but it won’t fill your belly.

    Food, it’s what’s for dinner.

    Call it the food diet.

Comments are closed.