Elaine finally decoded our “Great Topic” note for today’s report.
As explained Monday, the note didn’t make much sense Monday, but after several hours thinking back on it, things came into focus for Elaine.
We’re planning to come out with a new kind of “Android Pet.”
The idea is simple: Our forthcoming Android Pet will have as many bad and negative aspects of pet ownership as we can. Everything wrong with pets should be in our app.
We’ll also get fabulously wealthy for reasons that will become apparent.
First, though, the App itself. AndyPet – as in Android Pet.
Like pets, we are planning to make “AndyPet” available over a wide range of “pet equivalents.”
The free version of the pet (mongrel, we call it) will have some limitations: For example, you can only give a mongrel version of AndyPet a single syllable nickname.
The higher-end version of AndyPet will permit you to pick any breed of your choice. If, later on, you decide to change the breed, there will be an AndyPet plugin that will edit your pet’s DNA.
AndyPets will have a “poo option.” This a small heater (we copied the Glade room freshener concept). When AndyPet poo-pellets are heated, they give off a barf-inducing smell. They have to be removed and bagged. AndyPet poo-smells are free – they come in the package with your Andypet food code.
All new AndyPets will require licensing – just like non-virtualized pets. That means an annual AndyPet license.
It also means shots.
If you cheap-out and don’t buy the shots ($75) your virtual pet will come down with assorted behavior problems. If you persist, and go more than 90-days without shots, the AndyPet will begin to die and your Android will make several weeks of digusting pet death-throes noises.
There will be virtual poop, virtual walks, and even episodes of “get up at 3 AM and play with me!”
You will also want to buy the AndyPet obedience module. It’s only $100 but you have to work with the AndyPet half an hour a day or the training will wear off. You can hire this out to certified AndyPet trainers.
Yes, fire hydrant up, your AndyPetis engineered to give you the most complete, virtualized pet-ownership experience available. And it’s hypoallergenic.
No one said it would be FREE, did they? Real pets sure as hell aren’t!
Since Donald Trump managed a decent run of monetization with Trump University, we have plans to launch AndyPet University.
Instead of curb your pet, it will be code your pet.
Once we have our Dog Icon Degree program though the accrediting agencies, we get the keys to the student financial aid vault. From there? We’re set for life. Warm up the jet, we’re going to Paris.
We were thinking maybe Bernie Sander’s wife could run AndyPet University for us…
It was about here (I was half-way through a half-glass of Italian vitamins Sunday) that I ran to jot all this down. As confessed in Monday’s column, my note-taking isn’t perfect. So kudos to Elaine for reconstructing our thinking.
I vaguely remember her asking…
“Why would anyone pay for an app like this? It’s an OBVIOUS money scam! People aren’t that dumb!”
“Well, um, yeah they are, darling. Even dumber. Look at Facebook, Tinder, Twitter, and all the other social media crap… Aren’t those scams, too? Look at Bitcoins and the Easter bunny!
Besides, we’re being honest: This is a real pet ownership simulation opportunity. See? Here’s the dictionary definition of a pet: “a domestic or tamed animal kept for companionship or pleasure.”
She still wasn’t sold…
“Domestic or tamed animal? How does a tablet qualify?”
“I sit how many hours a day with a computer on my lap? I’m trying to TAME the digital world. What about Second Life? This is as real as we make it…We just have to believe and we can achieve…or something like that…”
To close the sale, I’ve programmed one of our computers to wake up and start making incessant barking noises at 2 AM. We’ll just see how she reacts to virtual pets not being real enough…
Meantime, if you want to develop additional AndyPet apps and cut us in for 10% be our guest. I think AndyFetch would be a good one. AndySniff could be amusing at parties…
We do want 100% of the virtual flea and tick revenue (from AndyFleas), 40% of the trips to the groomers (DirtyAndy) fees.
We’ll come up with sickening virtual ribbons and a line of AndySweaters, too…) Plus, we will split the “pet police” who will be monitoring all AndyPet owners to ensure no unlicensed AndyPets are ever sold. We can even sell API access to Homeland Security or NSA too, just like the home automation peeps…
Can it get better? Oh, sure…
Because AndyPet has one more “undocumented” feature I’ve saved till last.
Most Android machines have a Bluetooth connection. And we’ve written a particularly aggressive Bluetooth virus we call AndySperm. If you get within range of any other AndyPet user, this app will ensure AndySperm will delivers a litter of offspring.
Since you don’t want eight-times the revenue impact of the single AndyPet, we have a virtual neutering app you’ll have to buy. $200 and your app is down overnight. For his safety, you understand.
In the works? AndyTase – a virtual taser that plugs into yourAndroid and will randomly “bite” people. This is an option on all breeds except the AndyBull and AndyRotty where it’s mandatory.
We shelved the AndyMaul which would simulate more than a bite…
Depending on how local laws run, you may be required to carry AndyBite insurance if you take your Android out of a private, fenced-in yard.
AndyBite insurance can be waived, however, if you’ve taken $25 worth of ResponsibleAndy training.
We’re in negotiations with AndyLizard insurance and learning how to speak with a phony pseudo-English accent.
Just like real pets, certain screen sizes are required. You can run the AndyPet chow on a 10.1 tablet. The AndyDane only runs on 65″ and up monitors.
And you’ll be qualified to keep your droid in a convenient AndyBag. Perfect to catch warm AndyPoo.
For Christmas, we’re selling 20-foot pieces of yard for $29. By calling it an AndyLeash, we figure thousands will be sold.
Are you in, or what?
Write when that infernal barking stops,
George@ure.net rarrf! rarrf! rarrf! rarrf! rarrf!