Coping: Android Pets

Elaine finally decoded our “Great Topic” note for today’s report.

As explained Monday, the note didn’t make much sense Monday, but after several hours thinking back on it, things came into focus for Elaine.

We’re planning to come out with a new kind of “Android Pet.”

(Continues below)


The idea is simple:  Our forthcoming Android Pet will have as many bad and negative aspects of pet ownership as we can.  Everything wrong with pets should be in our app.

We’ll also get fabulously wealthy for reasons that will become apparent.

First, though, the App itself.  AndyPet – as in Android Pet.

Like pets, we are planning to make “AndyPet” available over a wide range of “pet equivalents.”

The free version of the pet (mongrel, we call it) will have some limitations:  For example, you can only give a mongrel version of AndyPet a single syllable nickname.

The higher-end version of AndyPet will permit you to pick any breed of your choice.  If, later on, you decide to change the breed, there will be an AndyPet plugin that will edit your pet’s DNA.

AndyPets will have a “poo option.”  This a small heater (we copied the Glade room freshener concept).  When AndyPet poo-pellets are heated, they give off a barf-inducing smell.  They have to be removed and bagged.  AndyPet poo-smells are free – they come in the package with your Andypet food code.

All new AndyPets will require licensing – just like non-virtualized pets.  That means an annual AndyPet license.

It also means shots

If you cheap-out and don’t buy the shots ($75) your virtual pet will come down with assorted behavior problems.  If you persist, and go more than 90-days without shots, the AndyPet will begin to die and your Android will make several weeks of digusting pet death-throes noises.

There will be virtual poop, virtual walks, and even episodes of “get up at 3 AM and play with me!”

You will also want to buy the AndyPet obedience module.  It’s only $100 but you have to work with the AndyPet half an hour a day or the training will wear off.  You can hire this out to certified AndyPet trainers.

Yes, fire hydrant up, your AndyPetis engineered to give you the most complete, virtualized pet-ownership experience available And it’s hypoallergenic. 

No one said it would be FREE, did they?  Real pets sure as hell aren’t!

Since Donald Trump managed a decent run of monetization with Trump University, we have plans to launch AndyPet University.

Instead of curb your pet, it will be code your pet.

Once we have our Dog Icon Degree program though the accrediting  agencies, we get the keys to the student financial aid  vault.  From there?  We’re set for life.  Warm up the jet, we’re going to Paris.

We were thinking maybe Bernie Sander’s wife could run AndyPet University for us…

It was about here (I was half-way through a half-glass of Italian vitamins Sunday) that I ran to jot all this down.  As confessed in Monday’s column, my note-taking isn’t perfect.  So kudos to Elaine for reconstructing our thinking.

I vaguely remember her asking…

Why would anyone pay for an app like this?  It’s an OBVIOUS money scam! People aren’t that dumb!”


“Well, um, yeah they are, darling.   Even dumber.  Look at Facebook, Tinder, Twitter, and all the other social media crap…  Aren’t those scams, too?  Look at Bitcoins and the Easter bunny!

Besides, we’re being honest:  This is a real pet ownership simulation opportunity.  See?  Here’s the dictionary definition of a pet: “a domestic or tamed animal kept for companionship or pleasure.”

She still wasn’t sold…

“Domestic or tamed animal?  How does a tablet  qualify?”


“I sit how many hours a day with a computer on my lap?  I’m trying to TAME the digital world.  What about Second Life?  This is as real as we make it…We just have to believe and we can achieve…or something like that…”

To close the sale, I’ve programmed one of our computers to wake up and start making incessant barking noises at 2 AM.  We’ll just see how she reacts to virtual pets not being real enough

Meantime, if you want to develop additional AndyPet apps and cut us in for 10% be our guest.  I think AndyFetch would be a good one.  AndySniff could be amusing at parties…

We do want 100% of the virtual flea and tick revenue (from AndyFleas), 40% of the trips to the groomers (DirtyAndy) fees.

We’ll come up with sickening virtual ribbons and a line of AndySweaters, too…)  Plus, we will split the “pet police” who will be monitoring all AndyPet owners to ensure no unlicensed AndyPets are ever sold.  We can even sell API access to Homeland Security or NSA too, just like the home automation peeps…

Can it get better?  Oh, sure…

Because AndyPet has one more “undocumented” feature I’ve saved till last.

Most Android machines have a Bluetooth connection.  And we’ve written a particularly aggressive Bluetooth virus we call AndySperm.  If you get within range of any other AndyPet user, this app will ensure AndySperm will delivers a litter of offspring.

Since you don’t want eight-times the revenue impact of the single AndyPet, we have a virtual neutering app you’ll have to buy.  $200 and your app is down overnight.  For his safety, you understand.

In the works?  AndyTase – a virtual taser that plugs into yourAndroid and will randomly “bite” people.  This is an option on all breeds except the AndyBull and AndyRotty where it’s mandatory.

We shelved the AndyMaul which would simulate more than a bite…

Depending on how local laws run, you may be required to carry AndyBite insurance if you take your Android out of a private, fenced-in yard.

AndyBite insurance can be waived, however, if you’ve taken $25 worth of ResponsibleAndy training.

We’re in negotiations with AndyLizard insurance and learning how to speak with a phony pseudo-English accent.

Just like real pets, certain screen sizes are required.  You can run the AndyPet chow on a 10.1 tablet.  The AndyDane only runs on 65″ and up monitors.

And you’ll be qualified to keep your droid in a convenient AndyBag.  Perfect to catch warm AndyPoo.

For Christmas, we’re selling 20-foot pieces of yard for $29.  By calling it an AndyLeash, we figure thousands will be sold.

Are you in, or what?

Write when that infernal barking stops,  rarrf! rarrf!  rarrf!  rarrf!  rarrf!

21 thoughts on “Coping: Android Pets”

  1. Oh,heavens! Your idea was co-opted ‘centuries’ago – manias rule! Currently, ‘western civilization’ is in ‘computer mania’, and life as we know it is ruled by same. (Social media is an offshoot of same!)

    Just see what happens if/when ‘the computer age’ is past . . .

    Hopefully most of us will be ‘fond’ memories . . .

  2. I would have never believed this until I just read it. Excellent post. Next, PoopEpants for a baby doll.

  3. LOLOL…

    You prety much monetized it all, just forgot the furballs.

    Just as an fyi: my (now former) veterinarian has a ‘reminder’ service via email. There is NO opt out, and every little thing they can possibly do for a pet is dumped into ones email inbox. They also require a MINIMUM of two pet visits per year (at $75 each) for your pet to be considered a current patient.

    If your pet is not a current patient, then the office visit is now considered an “initial visit”, and the price for the first visit is %150.

    This does NOT apply to large animals or reptiles.

    When I left their office, voting vigorously with both wallet and my feet, I got home to put their “reminder service” in the spam list, there was a new email awaiting me.

    It offered me a free “pet grooming”, normally a $75 value, free with mu initial visit…

    Yes, I now take my dog with me to the farm to see the local backwoods vet – for $35 fee and a yearly once-over. Yes, my dog is now too old to hunt and has trouble jumping into the car due to his RA, so I have to lift him in. But he drove off several burglar types and was fun for my kids and even grandkids when old.

    Did I mention that my former vet had only seen a single rabies case since he started practicing – 20 years ago.

    You’ve just given yet another fine example of monetization of any and everything, and shone a light on the true cost of a pet outside of a rural setting. I am just elucidating this with old Monty Pythons’ (dogs name) and my vet anecdote…

    • The voting this morning (dominated by actual pet owners, seems) is running more towards IN the sshark tank, not ON it, lol…

  4. George,

    Your “Android Pet” sounds more like a bad virus, possibly the result of a bad dream or bad drugs. Good luck with it. Thank God I barely use anything android.

    I might consider a “Gynoid Pet”, if it’s truly loving, kind, fully functional and takes care of its own personal hygiene. Let me know when/if such becomes available.

  5. The Android pet is a great idea. But it’s not a pet – it’s a necessity. (Recall the old days when everyone had to get a cell phone “in case of emergencies”.)

    Fall down at home – the pet summons help, or lifts the fallen person up.

    Are you a diabetic? Put your finger in the pet and your blood sugar is immediately tested.

    Make sure the pet is ‘friendly’ if ya know what I mean. Lonely, call in the “pet” (VR add-in module).

    Topple over – perhaps the pet can approach and take your blood pressure – call EMS/morgue as required.

    Intruder – the pet Wi-FIs for help, or kills the intruder.

    The Android pet is a great idea.

    • I will leave it to you to Beta test the diabetic blood sugar testing and ‘friendly’ features of the AndyPet…hate for the on board logic to engage the wrong function when trying to use the other…

    • I love some of the little robot ideas – except that some of them are ‘too cutsie ‘ – if I could have a version of a small robot ‘bear’ that talked it would be great!

      (Had a small, fat cat once who would bitch when I walked into a darkened room so that Klutz Human wouldn’t sit on him – that kind of interaction would be very nice!)

      Helper Device . . .

  6. George
    Don’t want to rain on your parade but go to google and search “hatchimals”. The go to YouTube and search the same. When you have a five year old granddaughter living with you, you get to see things you would rather not deal with.

  7. I guess now we can answer the question…

    Do andy pets dream of electric cats? or something along those lines anyway.

  8. “There will be virtual poop, virtual walks, and even episodes of “get up at 3 AM and play with me!””

    Very funny, indeed, please discuss how to get rid of 2/3 of the human population in an acceptable manner to most, and I know that you know our problem?!

  9. “Once we have our Dog Icon Degree program though the accrediting agencies, we get the keys to the student financial aid vault.”

    Sounds logical to me..
    After seeing some of the degree programs they offer for big money high tuition rates lol lol lol just like the accreditation certificate. They pay huge fees to fly in a group (first class lodging meals) to look over your business plan to see if your providing the services you they can give you a piece of paper saying how special you are. Now why didn’t think of something like that like a C certified R regional A rea P professional certificate.. How special a business would look with the CRAP certificate on their wall.
    Seriously how many massage therapist does a community need.. And do they offer an extensive services list.
    Maybe I’m just cynical and we really do need that many massage therapist

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